Five Key Aspects of
Appropriately Managing Feelings:
Directions – As a group complete the following feelings self-assessment, which reviews some key aspects of feeling our feelings. The information in italics helps provide some in-depth understanding of each aspect. As honestly and accurately as you can, try to assess yourself for each item below using the following scale
0 – Rarely ever
1
– A
little
2 – Somewhat/sometimes
3 – Often/A lot of the
time
4 – Almost always
___ I can effectively identify my feelings
Ø I can pause, focus, reflect and think about what I am really feeling then name my feelings in my mind appropriately and accurately
___ I can accept my feelings
Ø I can admit and confess
to myself what I am really feeling without trying to deny it, hide it or cover
it up. By contrast: Imagine a person with fists clenched and jaw tightened
yelling – “I’m not angry!”
___ I can understand my
feelings
Ø I can answer some of
the Who, What, When, Where Why and How questions about my feelings so that I
can get a deeper grasp of what is really going on with my feelings, where they
may have come from and what may be triggering them.
___ I can appropriately express my feelings
Ø I can let others know
how I feel openly using appropriate feeling words and phrases, without acting
out inappropriately, or doing/saying something I will later regret, hurting
others or losing control
___ I can cope with
my feelings
Ø I can face my feelings
and deal with them in productive and healthy ways while avoiding negative
reactions, behaviors, words, and habits. This includes avoiding “self-medication”
or repression of feelings through substance use or other potentially addictive
practices
Discuss your answers as
a group
Breaking
it Down Further:
Discuss the following five aspects of appropriately managing feelings:
Identifying
Feelings:
1.
Learn and know both the physical and psychological signs of
your feelings.
For example – “When I am feeling jealous, I get restless and moody, but I often
deny it at first which can cause me to shut down emotionally which later turns
to anger”
2.
Build your feelings vocabulary – The more that you
know about different kinds of feelings and what they are like, the better you
can identify what you may be feeling
Accepting
Feelings:
1.
Practice insight building, self-awareness and self-honesty by being able to look
inside and explore some of the more uncomfortable feelings. For example, most
people can eventually identify and accept anger but some of the deeper feelings
like hurt or fear that are often behind anger can be more challenging to accept
2.
Learn about why you may avoid admitting some feelings. For example, some
people are told from childhood upbringing that it is weak to express insecurity
or there may be cultural reasons for avoiding certain feelings (For example: “Where
I came from, a man is not supposed to show vulnerability or fear”)
Understanding
Feelings:
1.
Practice asking yourself the difficult questions. To build an
understanding of our thoughts and feelings it is essential to learn to probe
our own mind to try to figure things out. Questions like “Why am I feeling this
way right now?” and “What triggered these feelings?” and “What is really going
on here that is bothering me so much?” are examples of insight-building, self-assessment
questions to build understanding
2.
Practice empathy. Empathy is all about understanding others which
can help us to build an understanding of ourselves. For example, suppose
someone wanted to learn more about how to understand feelings of grief related
to the loss of a loved one. Speaking with others who went through similar experiences
and building understanding of their experiences can be a reference point for understanding
our own feelings, even if we experienced different circumstances. This is part
of the reason why support groups are useful
Expressing
Feelings:
1.
Learn to take down “the wall” when needed. Some people have built
a protective “wall” that prevents them from truly opening up about feelings. To
build effective friendships and relationships it is important to learn to be
able to take some risks and allow others to really see how we are feeling
2.
Learn and practice assertive communication. To be assertive is to
be able to respectfully speak openly about what is on your mind and how you are
feeling even if it is challenging or intimidating to do so.
Coping
with Feelings:
1.
Learn to stop and redirect challenging feelings before they
trigger negative behaviors, it is essential to be aware of several ways to cope with
feelings effectively to avoid a regrettable decision later. Breathing,
cognitive reframing, positive self-talk, exercising, reading, listening to music,
etc. are all examples of coping skills for feelings. There are many tools and
skills that work well with practice
2.
Build a support system – One of the best ways to deal with
feelings is to have people in our lives who are ready to listen and provide
caring support. It can be much easier to cope with challenging feelings with
the help of others who care.
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