Regret - a feeling of sadness or disappointment
over something that has happened or been done.
Discussion
– Read, consider and discuss the following points about Letting Go of
Regrets
Letting go of regrets can involve the
following aspects:
Forgiving yourself – Forgiveness is about letting go of feelings of resentment and
releasing yourself from the shame or excessive guilt that we may carry or hold
onto after making a mistake or doing something wrong. Sometimes what happened
was not even our fault but we still may need to forgive and let go
Acceptance
– This can be a hard concept to define, yet it is so very important. One way to
look at acceptance is to say that acceptance is the ability to internally look
at a situation, circumstance or experience and honestly say to oneself “it
is, what it is” or “the past is the past” and thereby allow
oneself to learn to escape negative emotions such as anger, hate,
disappointment, injustice, or fear.
Another way to conceptualize acceptance, is to achieve a point
mentally where we believe in our heart that:
·
“There
is nothing I can do to change this circumstance (or situation)
·
I can only change how I adapt and cope and try
to make productive choices going forward (Therefore I will do my best to move
forward in as positive a way as possible)”
Some more points for discussion about letting go of regrets
When you let go of regrets you can rechannel your energy- Think of the energy wasted on
regret. Imagine rechanneling that wasted energy and emotion into your present life
and future in a positive way.
Letting go of regret can enhance and fuel motivation - Rather than hold on to regret, you
can allow your experiences to make you work harder to be better today and
tomorrow
You are
allowed to move on from regret – Others may continue to judge you,
stigmatize, blame, shame, etc. but you don’t have to continue to do that to
yourself. It is your choice. Your only
responsibility is to make your best effort to learn from the past and make
better choices in the future
There can
be positive lessons learned even after regretful experiences - We are
all products of our experiences and sometimes we “grow” past negative trials. Sometimes
there are gains that come out of past bad experiences, even when those
experiences fuel feelings of regret.
There is no
guarantee that if you had made a difference choice, your life would have been
better
– Perhaps you feel like you regret a past decision and you feel like your life
would have been better had you chosen a different path. That may be true. However,
you will never know for sure. There is always a chance that had you taken
another path in life, that may not have had the good outcome that you expected.
It is better to accept what has happened and learn from it than perseverate on “what
if’s” which just led to more frustration and often more regret – “What
ifs” are a waste of time (Refer back to acceptance which is about letting go of
“what if’ scenarios.
Coping with
Regret
– Regret can be likened to an anchor to a ship, holding you back, keeping you
from moving forward as you should be. Regret can be that weight slowing down
your journey. If you can “cut the anchor” of regret, you will likely soon find
that you are “sailing forward” toward growth and positive change
Thoughts
that can “cut the anchor” of regret - As a group,
discuss which of these examples stand out to you the most as helpful and explain
why:
A. I did what
I thought was right at the time
B. I was a
different person then, I’ve learned and moved on
C. I honestly did
not know better
D. Other
people were influencing me in a negative way, so my judgment was not clear
E. I was using
substances at that time, so my judgement was impacted, and I clearly wasn’t
thinking straight
a. Did you know
that science shows that addiction adversely impacts the parts of the brain that
are needed to make decisions? (The prefrontal cortex and hippocampus)
F. I was not appropriately
caring for my mental health at that time which affected and impacted my
judgement
G. I didn’t
know then what I know now
H. I’m human,
I messed up, but I am entitled to another chance
I. I am not
the first, not the last person in this situation: Others have been forgiven and
I deserve the same
J. I have done
some bad things, but I am not a bad person
K. I was
desperate, hopeless and afraid and I am not like that any more
L. I’m truly sorry
for what I’ve done so I am entitled to move on
M. I’ve grown
and I am simply not that person any more
N. I’ve paid
for my mistakes
O. I deserve
forgiveness
P. My past
does not define me
Q. No more
“what if’s” for me, I am done thinking about “what if” scenarios
R. Other – Can
anyone in the group think of a statement of your own that you find helpful?
Process – Discussing Regrets
First make
sure that the group is comfortable with this sensitive topic – Is everyone
ready?
If so, it
is important that there is a “no judgement” rule in place. Group members need
to feel safe sharing their regrets without being shamed or criticized by others
If everyone
is prepared and agrees to a healthy discussion of regrets, this is a suggested
format for processing regrets (optional)
Start - What
is something that you regret? (You feel sadness or disappointment about.
Hard to let go of)
Digging deeper: Why do you suppose
you feel that way? – What messages might you be telling yourself that
sustain feelings of regret (For example, messages of shame, self-judgement, humiliation,
embarrassment, stigma, bitterness, disappointment, etc.)
How can you reframe those negative thoughts? – If it
helps, use one of the thoughts listed above:
A through P from list
Finally,
allow group to share support and encouragement - The power of the group! We all can
help one another get through this!
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