In my first blog, I remarked how much advice I received from so many well-meaning people early in my journey. One of the most consistent and popular messages was to forgive myself.
I hated myself. I had done horrible, unspeakable, things
which hurt the people I loved so very much.
While I fully understand that substance use disorder is a disease which
has drastic effects on one’s brain and judgment, I could not reconcile even
that acknowledgement with an abdication of the things I had done to hurt
others.
So I set out to master the task
of self-forgiveness, acceptance, and love.
But like chasing a butterfly, the more diligently I pursued self-forgiveness,
the more elusive it seemed.
Because my
default cognitive response is rumination, I became obsessed with
self-forgiveness. I attended meetings, read
dozens of books, completed steps, made apologies, changed, followed any and all
advice about forgiving myself and letting go.
None of it worked. Not even
remotely. In fact, in some ways, the
inability to forgive myself increased my self-hatred.
Here I was being told they key to recovery is
forgiving oneself and I cannot even do that.
I felt doomed to fail and was losing hope. I read books about forgiveness and acceptance
and even decided to read the Bible cover to cover because I thought where better
to lean about forgiveness. None of this
searching shed light on how I could let go of my past. How could I ever forgive myself for hurting
and disappointment so many people I loved and who loved me?
It was a dark night, I still was not allowed
to see or speak to my children and my parents, with whom I lived at the time
did their best not to show their disappointment and pain, but I could sense
it. I felt so lonely. So afraid. I felt as though I would never
again feel the love and respect of my family again, and frankly, I did not feel
like I “deserved” it. I remember hating
myself and realizing that if something did not change, I would likely repeat behaviors
of my past. I did not think I could take
another day trying to achieve the unachievable. I wept.
I wept for the pain I had caused my children. I cried for the hurt my family endured. And for the first time, I cried tears for myself
too. While the pain I caused others was atrocious,
I destroyed myself during those years too.
The proverbial scars from some things that happened to me during that
period, some of the things I did, are still evident today. I could not stop crying. That night, ever so slightly I realized that my
past was a part of me and always would be.
There would be no magic wand of forgiveness and healing. There would be no successful blocking it out
and focusing on the bright horizon. I
had to learn to let the present, my past, and my hopes for the future occupy my
brain and my heart compatibly. I still hated
every single thing I did but I learned to appreciate all the results of my
actions and not only focus on the bad that came from my past. Likely you just had to reread that’s
sentence. I know it sounds
counterintuitive, but in fact, out of the most horrible actions, came the most
necessary, painful, yet beautiful growth.
There was no way to not acknowledge that who I was today was based on
who I was yesterday. Balancing has never
been (and likely will never be) a strong suit of mine. But I had to learn how to have who I was, who
I am, and who I want to be peacefully coexists with all parts be accepted. There were days when too much of my brain and
heart were filled with the negative parts of the past, and that was where the
work needed to be completed.
This is how I have reconciled hanging on an
letting go. Learning and living. And most of all, continuing, always to
grow.
Follow up questions for groups:
What can you identify with from this reading?
If you are willing to share, what are some things you are working on when it comes to forgiving yourself?
What can you personally do today to work on self-forgiveness, letting go and increasing your ability to forgive and love yourself and who you are today?
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