Healthy
Life – Healthy Relationships
COUNSELOR VIDEO INTRODUCTION - 1 Minute
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FULL LENGTH CLIENT VIDEO - 27 Minutes
Intro – Relationships tend
to be parallel with one’s lifestyle. For example, when a person is active in
misusing substances, relationships tend to go downhill. The same is true when
things may not be going well with mental health for an extended period: relationships
may also be strained as well. To the contrary, when changing for the better,
part of the change process involves working on improving relationships. This
may include:
Ending
negative relationships – For example, someone working on substance use issues may
work on cutting off associations with others still in the substance using
lifestyle. For anyone making life changes, there may be people we need to
distance ourselves from in order to make positive changes in ourselves.
Repairing
existing relationships – Substance use and mental health issues can lead to
conflicts, isolation, neglect, and many other relationship issues. With family,
friends, and loved ones there may need to be some “repairs” made as part of the
long-term recovery or positive change process.
Seek
and establish new relationships – Support is needed for sustained recovery,
positive change, and progress related to substance use and mental health
issues. This may require finding new people to talk to who can also provide
encouragement, a listening ear, and a healthy outlet for socialization.
Part 1 – Ending Negative
Relationships
Social
media is filled with memes that say something to the degree of “if someone is
not good for you, cut them off” - These messages can be popular, but life is often
not that easy. It is an oversimplification to just cut people off because there
are some interpersonal problems. For example, it’s often not so easy to just ignore
some close family members just because relationships are strained, especially
when we live with them or interact with them often. The same is true with
romantic relationships especially marriage or other commitments, particularly
when children are involved. There may be a time to leave but it is not a
decision to make impulsively or hastily. When considering mental health and substance
use recovery, it can be necessary to distance oneself or cut off some relationships
that are highly “toxic” or extremely unhealthy. Talk to a counselor for help
with these challenging choices. While thinking about some of your more
challenging relationships consider some of these toxic relationship traits:
Aspects of “Toxic”
Relationships
Violence
or Abuse
– There simply is no place for violence or abuse of any kind (Physical or
Sexual) in any relationship. Emotional abuse may be harder to identify and
define but it can be just as damaging or worse.
Deception
and Lying
– If someone is acting the way they should be acting in a relationship, there
should be nothing to lie about. When a
person hides who they really are, is that prevents the trust needed to be truly
close. When you never know what the truth is in a relationship, this can impact
your own stability.
Control
and Jealousy
– When a person attempts to “micromanage” or worse: manipulate your life, that
stems from another’s deep insecurities which makes for difficult times in a
relationship. This destroys trust.
Criticism
and Put Downs
– Your partner should be someone who builds you up, supports, and encourages
you to be the best person you can be. When someone does the opposite and puts
you down, insults you and actively works toward breaking your spirit this can
be very problematic and hurtful.
Disrespect
and Lack of Empathy – Healthy relationships are built on mutual understanding
and respect. When someone consistently fails to respect you and does not make
an effort to try to understand your views, beliefs, and values then the
relationship is not going to grow.
Disloyalty
and Mistrust
– Your partners should be someone you can trust. There should not be any form
of “double life” where there is part of a person you see, and part that you
don’t really know about. Also if someone chronically won’t trust you and is
constantly questioning your motives and actions or spying on you then that is
another sign of toxic insecurity which is very damaging in relationships.
One
Way Relationships
– It is not a good sign if a relationship is drastically unbalanced and there
is one “giver” and one “taker” – A relationship does not need to be exactly 50/50
across the board as one partner may do more in one area and the other partner may
excel in other ways. When one partner is extremely selfish and self-centered and
the other is taken advantage of causing an imbalance, it’s a problem. (When one
partner is sick or disabled in a relationship, then that is a different
situation as one person may accept a caretaker role)
Dependency
and Rescuing
– When one person in a relationship is losing control of their life and the
other person falls into the role of constant rescuer, this can be a very
unhealthy and destructive relationship pattern that can get worse and worse with
time. Resentment may follow.
Part 2 – Repairing
Existing Relationships
Relationships
can be improved by adding or repairing the following “building blocks” of
healthy relationships shown in the wall diagram. These healthy building blocks
are also important for the next section: Finding new relationships.
Even
when are problems, many relationships are worth working on. This is especially
true with deeper relationships and commitments where is worth putting in some
time and effort to attempt to make repairs, if possible (provided it is a safe environment – when
there is violence or other immediate safety concerns, then safety of self and
children should be considered first) Should you decide to work on a
relationship, often it can be improved by working on the following “building
blocks” of healthy relationships. We cannot change other people, so when it
comes to relationships that are worth working on, we can start with working on
ourselves and our own reactions to situations. At the same time, we can enhance
our skills for effectively communicating our needs with our relationship
partners.
All
of these building blocks are important and helpful, but consider which ones
particularly stand out to you as qualities that you need to focus on when it
comes to improving your current relationships:
Again
it is worth repeating: You can’t change other people but you can
change yourself – So, starting with yourself first, which areas from the
“Building Blocks” do you need to work on?
Next,
which areas can you develop a plan to discuss with your current relationship
partner?
Finally,
who and what can help you and your relationship partner to build these qualities?
Be creative and remember this process takes time.
[Click to expand]
Part 3 - Finding new
relationships.
Consider
the following “new” things to add to life to increase the likelihood of finding
new relationships:
New
values bring new priorities – When making positive lifestyle changes our
priorities change. For example, changing substance use habits should change our
values. When looking for new healthy relationships and friendships, it is
important to allow our new positive values and priorities to guide our search.
New
places to look:
Granted there are people with problems everywhere, there are still some places
that have a higher likelihood for finding a more mentally and emotionally
healthy friend or partner than others. For example, which is better a bar or a
bookstore? A party or a park? A club or a community meeting? With this in mind,
what are some more positive new places you may try to go to try to meet new people?
New
things to try:
There may be hobbies and interests that you might like if you give them a
chance. These hobbies can open the door to meeting new people with similar
interests. What comes to mind?
New
ways to get involved:
Getting off the sidelines and being active can open the doorway to meeting
people. If you are part of a group or meeting can you speak up more or attempt
to increase participation? Also. volunteer work, joining interest groups and
clubs and actively participating, for example, can create more social
opportunities.
New
perspectives on what you already have – Do you know someone who seems like they may
be a potential friend (like a coworker or someone else you see around who seems
interesting and stable?) Consider asking that person to get a cup of coffee or
do something together, which can be a way of making new social contacts. Also,
if you have existing friends who go places and know people whom you have not
gotten to know, can you work with your existing social group to meet some friends
of your friends? What can you try?
New
skills to work on
– In order to build the confidence needed to make friends and find new
relationships, it may require establishing and practicing social skills. There
is an “art” to starting and maintain conversations. Learning to overcome fear
and social anxiety may also be needed for relationship building as well as
assertiveness skills and understanding healthy social boundaries. Therapy is a
great place to work on these skills.
Closing Discussion:
Making Practical Application
This
exercise covered a lot of information. What are some specific and practical things
from the exercise and group discussion that you are going to work on to enhance
relationships? (Try to come up with 3 or 4)
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LINK TO PRINTABLE VERSION
www.takingtheescalator.com
